In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people