I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*