me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
nice challenge
Breaking news:
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
anyone else like Italian cereal
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
they really do be looking like this
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF