feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
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Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I identify as an antique shop.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Do not levitate over flowers
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.