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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes