” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[montage of me giving-up]
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.