how long have you had this for?
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Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
water it, i dare you
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.