Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”