Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
This week’s mood.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Kermit goes Blue.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?