Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
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Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.