Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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How to find Kentucky on a map
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong