I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.