Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well