[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
You Might Also Like
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.