I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.