My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
The Assassin.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…