8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
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If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!