I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
WTF IS THAT!
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?