houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
#JohnTravolta
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.