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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Meat Cute
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.