Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.