I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…