Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
The internet is full of many things
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.