The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Got ya covered
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
🤣
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.