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The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened