A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
You Might Also Like
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Netflix and you sit over there.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
When someone says you are so lazy
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.