Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
You Might Also Like
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Art by Pastelkatto
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.