All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.