That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.