Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
You Might Also Like
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
How animals would run if they were human
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??