Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
You Might Also Like
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.