Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?