*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
6. me as a lawyer
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.