My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Beware of fowl play.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”