Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse