Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
You Might Also Like
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Name this drama.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.