Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.