Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I hate when that happens.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
called in thicc to work this morning
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.