Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
This is a whole mood;
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.