If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.