Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Cake safety first. Always.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?