Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
It do be feeling this way.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.