Tammy is short for Tamuel
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“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…