You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf