Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.