It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
that colleague who touches your screen
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.