The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
You Might Also Like
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
This bar smells like my childhood.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us