Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
This could’ve been an email.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.