I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
This raises questions
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Usage Guidelines
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.