*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
want me to check your oil?
Hmm, not sure about this change
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.